____my messed up life._

Sunday, May 07, 2006

hi,im known as unknowned...im pratically always all alone.in sch,at hm,n even outside...yesterday was my best day ever.i could cherish it f4ever...b4 my nightmare was born tt is...
i celebrated my last day of being a child yesterday and felt a certain difference in how i behaved n thought.i was much more efficent and full of joy,but now...everything changed for the worst.lemme explain...i had many frenz hu treated me well...but always...i fell tt there is a wall in between us.it continued untill this very day.even though i dont c them anymore.i had no close relationship with any1.whether it is with my cousin or my parents.none.even b4 yesterday but yesterday,i felt something.some sort of happiness that i hv nv felt b4.i was really hapi.happier then hving wat u wan always when ever u wan it.i dont know.its weird...my birthday is always in the middle of the exams.right now.im suppose to b studying right now but who cares...
my dad is overseas right now but he'll be bak tmr.i hv always hv a certain hatred towards my dad.but deep inside,i love him.but some how i got in the habbit of hitting him anytime when i fell like it.he doesnt mind.i didnt tell him the reason.he did ask.but nv got his answer.
my mom.shes into arranging flowers n some other stuff...shes the 'sensitive' one...dont ask y.i dont noe.i had a fight with her juz now.she pestered me to revise my chinese but i refused.i hated chinese.itz my weakest subject of all.i was juz bellow average student till last year.but now...i keep failing.fr the start of the year.which was one of my worst nightmares.but not as bad as this recent one.so,as i said,i didnt study chinese so my mom tested me on my geo cause my chinese n geo exam is on the same crappy day.geo was my most interested subject untill recently when we started studying bout the map which was like SO boring.(=_=')
she tested me n tested me until the boring part came...i couldnt ans all the qs. rite so she became like so...proud sort of reaction.and boasted to me.(=_=''')it was SOSOSO DAMN irritation n childish.i couldnt take it.i accidentally said the word 'shut up'n she flipped.she went into super dupper 'concern'(much) mother mote.i hated it every time.normally,i would put up with this but today she was pestering me about the amount of cash i hv saved in my secret drawer.she even tried to open it!(tai guo fen le ba?)but i resisted.then came the 'shut up' part
immagine,u mom or dad came butting in to ur territory(i mean come on!ur older nw.u wanna hv ur own PRIVATE space all to URSELF only.wats wrong with wanting tt???)ok.then.here come the trouble partically everyone hates.she re-treated me like a 3 year old kid hu s got herself throwing a tendrem.(as if!)while thinking it was sort of like a joke,she tickled me n gave tt cheeky kind of tone saying-whyyy?whats wrongg?.then got my geo tb dog-eared.(i didnt noe until i sat up fr my bed)so when i did,i said-see lah,my geo text folded ready...then she lost it.she stood up, went to the door,and said-u think,if i treated u like tt,how will u feel. and went off...i didnt noe y but i suddenly feel so sad n irritated.!,no.not sad about wat i did.but sad because i dont hv any1 close to me now to tok to,to release my 'depression' n express how i feel.so i,instead,i juz did wat i usually do-lie on my bed,cry all i wan,pretend im a lost soul,misplaced n not 'fitted' in this world.
this time it was different.i remembered one of my fren hu cuts her wrist n hates to go hm.i dont blame her.dont ask y.i suddenly though of cutting my wrist.dunno y either.but the pain came terrifying me.then i suddenly though of stbbing a dagger into my heart.n wondered wat would the expression of my mom when she opens the door a see her own flesh n blood lying on the bed dead...and then...the pain struck me.the horror.the horror.lol.im going nuts.bo zoes...lol.crappy lame me.im such a dork.then i cried.cried.i almost wanted to ,like the song 'welcome to my life',blast the stereo n scream my hearts out.now reflecting on wat i juz wrote n told all u readers out there(doubt there even be up to 2),im pitiful aint i?lol.i think im going insane.i though today being my birthday,everything would change 4 the better but no.never.the devil says.(devil not refering to my mom but the real devil himself-satun)instead the devil made it grow worse.like the insects multiplying.haha.
mum juz suggested to go out 4 dinner at sizzolerswith my cousin hu is same age(1 mth diff.) as me. hmm...i 4got to mention,i hate going out-dunno y.im sort of anti-social(as my parents always say so)but this time,i juz feel nothingness.now she juz came in n say.ni yao chi summo?i say-anything.she says-the chi cake lor.(=_=')in the 1st place.she already noe tt she has cake.then y did she ask if i wanna go out ta eat?
like my pri sch fren say on his msn name-[life's unfair,get use to it.]haha.lol.lemme add on,[life's unfair n backstabbing,full of troubles n sadness.if u wanna GET something,u must 1st GIVE UP something.exp.u wan HAPPINESS,u must 1st experience SADNESS. get use to this life.its un avoidable.so juz hope 4 the best,try to find tt 'prefect' group of pals tt will last 4ever n support n help u through ur trials.if u hvnt found them yet,keep on looking.there's bound to b at least one tt would be UR perfect buddy]im still trying so dont give up hope.but i think i juz might my found them-3 girls

so u noticed tt we all hv a jap name except silcyn which im not sure if it is one or not,those jap names is fr a japanese animation show(a really old one) called prince of tennis which we all hv watched except silcyn.mine is kukumaru.lol.plus they say tt im really like him.amazing huh?lol.the oni diff is tt they are boys n we r girls...lol.
hey,u notice tt now the most popular kind of shows are korean.interesting huh?im not crazy over any of them korean series but my parents n frenz all are.(im crazy over jap anime)my parents even went to the trouble of finding the songs tt were played in the show.now tezuka(old nick)/momo(new nic) is coming to my hse to watch them korean shows as my parents bought almost ALL the korean series.lol.then one of my frenz fr pri sch till now in the same sec sch as me but diff class,gave ma a soft toy as my birthday present tt says-[sa-ra-neh] which mean(juz in case u dont noe,)i love u in korean.whoa...sort of crazy dont u think?the world is going crazy over korean stuff.lol.i guess im juz a misfit.not into them koreans.haha.
lemme tell u something bout my past,last time,in pri sch,since i think p4,i always carried this red B.U.M. bag till last yr(simple but nice) the i had a red spects,was in the red house(sports),had a red pencil box,and even had a red car!now,as my red bad was and still is too small to put all my bks 4 sch,i had to change to a new bag.now orange.then now i juz recieved an orange wallet, an orange decoration and an orange bag....[how weird is tt!?

]lol.life's weird.haha.
[sigh...]i dunno how to make a nice blog...i dunno how to change the background,add music,put links,put buttons,etc...im a begineer...i suck.SOME ONE!!!HELP ME!!!PLEASE!!!

im in need of help...desperately....anyone,pls help me out her will ya?
thanks.

bb gtg cya!

- it's me.